( he'd told her many things about the beholding, its avatars, what each part could do that he'd experienced but-- not that. details on elias had been scarcer.
she doesn't ask what he made agnes see. that part isn't important as troubling as it is, not wanting to make the woman relive any more of the pain )
What do you need from me?
( her hands move to rest on agnes's, knowing it'll be simpler for the woman to ask for what she needs than for lilith to try and figure it out to give it. if it's simple company she can do that. she'd love to do more, to take the fight to elias but it's one action that she won't risk. she isn't foolish )
[After a long moment, Agnes' hands clench onto Lilith's, as if they've only just finally realized that they're there. It's more than an affectionate squeeze--it's desperate and wanting. When she look up ant meets Lilith's face, she blinks rapidly, holding back the searing tears that she doesn't want to shed. Still, steam squeezes out from between her lashes, blurring her vision. Her voice is hardly more than a whisper.]
I don't know.
[She doesn't know what she needs from herself, either. Her thoughts had always been a place she could escape to, to keep her loneliness from seeping in too close. There was peacefulness there, in her own mind, sorrow too, of course, but dreams and whimsies and fancies of her own making. It was a tenuous balance, keeping herself together, and with this knowledge now wedged inside of it all, a knowledge that she can't shake, that persists and replays itself with so much intensity...she can feel all of it cracking.]
[Agnes breathes slowly, as if to filter new air throughout her body. Slowly, her shoulders lose some tension, her grip on Lilith's hands aren't quite so desperate, and she uncoils.]
( lilith doesn't know what to say. though agnes's grip lessens lilith doesn't yet release her hands, not until she pulls away, thumbs running still over her. comfort isn't her forte, at least not in words but-- )
[Agnes nods, sighing, and says no more about it. She doesn't need words, anyway, she just needs...she doesn't know. It's clear that she's exhausted, her mind having been put through something that's been draining her of much more energy than usual, and she hasn't gone out to feed because of that, either. But she can't fathom resting. Can't fathom what she'll see when she gives herself over fully to unconsciousness.
She just wants to stay, just like this, and focus only on the feel of Lilith's hands in hers.]
( lilith watches her for a moment, assessing her, looking for everything that agnes isn't telling her. and there's so much, the worry, the exhaustion--
she leans forward, press of lips to her forehead and as she does casts a non-verbal spell, putting the woman to sleep. if she's this tired she wouldn't have slept alone.
lilith lays her carefully on the couch and as much as she could let her lay with her head in her lap there's something else she needs to do. slipping from the couch lilith lays a blanket over her before settling herself on the floor, a little meditation to clear her mind before reaching out to agnes's dreams.
she knows from experience that they won't be restful, planning on slipping into them to soothe them, to keep agnes calm and banish any nightmares, pretending she's just a pleasant dream herself )
[In her dream...her nightmare, Agnes doesn't think about how strange it was how quickly she fell asleep. Doesn't know she's sleeping. There are submissives being tortured, humiliated, punished, in a warped prison reality, and Agnes stands, stuck.
I thought you were better than this.
Elias Bouchard stands behind her, talking calmly, as if nothing is amiss, but his fingers have her eyes pried open and she can't move, can't look away, can't stop it. He says to her:
Have a pleasant day, Agnes.
And then he lets her go, but she can't go anywhere, because her collar jerks on a leash that shouldn't be there, and she tumbles back, dragged toward the other victims, joining them in the lineup.]
( she'll catch the action just as she's dragged back, an extension of her magic holding the image of elias in place, lilith stepping forward from the shadows, her other hand reaching out to try and stop agnes from moving.
but elias isn't her concern, not now that she can see the rest of this dream and her fist clenches, causing the agony in him that she wishes she could cause in reality, crushing his heart until he dies.
and then she's quick to move on agnes, a wave of her hand snapping the chain before both her hands cup her cheeks )
Focus on me.
( once she had the woman's attention she could begin to manipulate the dream )
[Agnes all but crumples in Lilith's hold, and it seems so natural she should be here, if anyone should be here, to save her. Her eyes are heart wrenching as she meets the other woman's gaze, and she can't help herself, can't stop her tears from spilling, hot and steaming.]
Do I deserve this? Is this my punishment for being born a monster?
( the word is a whisper and though lilith normally keeps it covered she looks a little sad, not just for agnes but the reality of the entire situation. it's painful and part of it is starting to be a reminder of her own life )
You're not the monster, Agnes, he is. The actions he chooses are monstrous ones, seeking only to harm. To harm you.
[She raises her shaking hands to curl around Lilith's.]
I feed on the pain of others. Feed on it. My life has caused so much pain for so many people. The damage is irreversible, and killing myself did nothing to fix it. What else can I do? There must be something.
( there's a whisper of a spell and agnes will be filled with a warmth, though something far different to her own heat, intended to soothe her even if she can't take the pain away )
As have I.
( she's not going to touch on the revelation that agnes had died, wanting to try and ground the woman first )
You were given something cruel and unkind. What people make us is hard to deny but it is not all there is.
( the fact that agnes was concerned about being a monster showed something )
[Lilith's manipulation helps, and slowly, Agnes calms, saying nothing more as her tears stop falling and evaporate against her cheeks. Around them, the setting starts to change, the rehabilitation center chanting into an open park.]
It would be so nice to live a life untouched by destiny.
( her whisper is filled with so much, an undernote as if lilith knows exactly what she's talking about. certainly, it's never been her own destiny but she's been led and manipulated to enact someone else's plans-- a prophecy. but hadn't she come into existence on someone's whim? a destiny of the first woman. she may have rebelled but things hadn't gone well for her after that )
But whilst that may be more difficult to obtain-- there are others here that will help you, that understand.
( she doesn't just mean her but she does understand )
( because whilst agnes could potentially do so accidentally-- lilith didn't believe she would be intentionally cruel to someone she cared about. the woman may have admitted that she'd intended harm on people before but it had been a vastly different situation. then agnes hadn't had people that had cared about her and that changed everything )
That is a mark of who you are. I've known monsters. ( worshipped one of the biggest ones her entire life ) They don't feel guilt or regret over hurting those around them. Or anyone.
( and that was something that it took lilith a long time to realise or rather to accept )
Your words bring me so much comfort. I wish it was easier for me to place them in my heart.
[But it's never that easy, is it? Even if she were only a mortal of the 26 years she appeared to be, it wouldn't be easy. Having lived for much longer than that in such isolation and with such damaging reinforcements complicates things tremendously, even without sharing Lilith's many years.]
Fighting against everything that you've been shown-- everything that you've been told is not a simple task.
( is she speaking from experience? most definitely, though she's doing her best to keep that hidden despite how much she trusts agnes. this isn't about her even if perhaps that shared connection could help )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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( he'd told her many things about the beholding, its avatars, what each part could do that he'd experienced but-- not that. details on elias had been scarcer.
she doesn't ask what he made agnes see. that part isn't important as troubling as it is, not wanting to make the woman relive any more of the pain )
What do you need from me?
( her hands move to rest on agnes's, knowing it'll be simpler for the woman to ask for what she needs than for lilith to try and figure it out to give it. if it's simple company she can do that. she'd love to do more, to take the fight to elias but it's one action that she won't risk. she isn't foolish )
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I don't know.
[She doesn't know what she needs from herself, either. Her thoughts had always been a place she could escape to, to keep her loneliness from seeping in too close. There was peacefulness there, in her own mind, sorrow too, of course, but dreams and whimsies and fancies of her own making. It was a tenuous balance, keeping herself together, and with this knowledge now wedged inside of it all, a knowledge that she can't shake, that persists and replays itself with so much intensity...she can feel all of it cracking.]
Would you let me stay, just for a little while?
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( her thumbs rub across agnes's hands, a soothing motion against her grip, her head dipping slightly )
As long as you need.
( she wasn't going to let her go until agnes was certain that she was fine. and maybe-- she'd do something to help her with it )
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[Agnes breathes slowly, as if to filter new air throughout her body. Slowly, her shoulders lose some tension, her grip on Lilith's hands aren't quite so desperate, and she uncoils.]
I don't know what I'd do without you here.
[She'd just be alone.]
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Then be glad I am here.
( no use thinking of what ifs right? )
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She just wants to stay, just like this, and focus only on the feel of Lilith's hands in hers.]
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she leans forward, press of lips to her forehead and as she does casts a non-verbal spell, putting the woman to sleep. if she's this tired she wouldn't have slept alone.
lilith lays her carefully on the couch and as much as she could let her lay with her head in her lap there's something else she needs to do. slipping from the couch lilith lays a blanket over her before settling herself on the floor, a little meditation to clear her mind before reaching out to agnes's dreams.
she knows from experience that they won't be restful, planning on slipping into them to soothe them, to keep agnes calm and banish any nightmares, pretending she's just a pleasant dream herself )
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I thought you were better than this.
Elias Bouchard stands behind her, talking calmly, as if nothing is amiss, but his fingers have her eyes pried open and she can't move, can't look away, can't stop it. He says to her:
Have a pleasant day, Agnes.
And then he lets her go, but she can't go anywhere, because her collar jerks on a leash that shouldn't be there, and she tumbles back, dragged toward the other victims, joining them in the lineup.]
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but elias isn't her concern, not now that she can see the rest of this dream and her fist clenches, causing the agony in him that she wishes she could cause in reality, crushing his heart until he dies.
and then she's quick to move on agnes, a wave of her hand snapping the chain before both her hands cup her cheeks )
Focus on me.
( once she had the woman's attention she could begin to manipulate the dream )
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Do I deserve this? Is this my punishment for being born a monster?
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( the word is a whisper and though lilith normally keeps it covered she looks a little sad, not just for agnes but the reality of the entire situation. it's painful and part of it is starting to be a reminder of her own life )
You're not the monster, Agnes, he is. The actions he chooses are monstrous ones, seeking only to harm. To harm you.
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[She raises her shaking hands to curl around Lilith's.]
I feed on the pain of others. Feed on it. My life has caused so much pain for so many people. The damage is irreversible, and killing myself did nothing to fix it. What else can I do? There must be something.
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As have I.
( she's not going to touch on the revelation that agnes had died, wanting to try and ground the woman first )
You were given something cruel and unkind. What people make us is hard to deny but it is not all there is.
( the fact that agnes was concerned about being a monster showed something )
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It would be so nice to live a life untouched by destiny.
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( her whisper is filled with so much, an undernote as if lilith knows exactly what she's talking about. certainly, it's never been her own destiny but she's been led and manipulated to enact someone else's plans-- a prophecy. but hadn't she come into existence on someone's whim? a destiny of the first woman. she may have rebelled but things hadn't gone well for her after that )
But whilst that may be more difficult to obtain-- there are others here that will help you, that understand.
( she doesn't just mean her but she does understand )
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[Lilith, Martin, Jon...her face twists.]
What if I hurt them? And you?
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( because whilst agnes could potentially do so accidentally-- lilith didn't believe she would be intentionally cruel to someone she cared about. the woman may have admitted that she'd intended harm on people before but it had been a vastly different situation. then agnes hadn't had people that had cared about her and that changed everything )
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[And it's already happened. She's already burned Jon when he tried to help her. Got him punished alongside her.]
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( and that was something that it took lilith a long time to realise or rather to accept )
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[But it's never that easy, is it? Even if she were only a mortal of the 26 years she appeared to be, it wouldn't be easy. Having lived for much longer than that in such isolation and with such damaging reinforcements complicates things tremendously, even without sharing Lilith's many years.]
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( is she speaking from experience? most definitely, though she's doing her best to keep that hidden despite how much she trusts agnes. this isn't about her even if perhaps that shared connection could help )
But it can be done.